“Holy heretic javelinas hissing handsomely! I need some hair help!” Cried the Ranger on a particularly pleasant June morning. Being un-accustomed to human grooming habits however (remember the Knolls Ranger is half pod person and has slept away the better part of 50 years in a fruit crate) he found himself at a loss for the best way to rectify his rapidly regenerating follicles.
“I can’t be in want of a cut,” he reasoned, “The good Gorgon gals over at Salon Medusa just snipped my stuff last January. Is this a result of my plant genes? Am I converting carbon dioxide into organic compounds too rapidly? Should I stay out of the sun or water myself at less frequent intervals?”
Thoughts of vegetation reminded the ranger of Natalie Gutenkauf and The Factory Gastro-bar, whose mission is to constantly serve the finest freshest food from free-range beasts to community veggies! Perhaps she might know a bit about proper pruning techniques. So he rushed over to 4020 Atlantic Avenue to assimilate her knowledge base!
Natalie Gutenkauf knows vegetables
After having a chat or three with the local neighbors, the ranger saddled up to the bar and asked the hard hitting questions.
“Greetings meal merchants! The Knolls Ranger here, champion of Bixby!”
“Hey guy, still wearing the cowboy get-up huh?”
“Indeed, let me ask you local business-peoples a question. You and Ms. Gutenkauf seem to know a great deal about produce, correct?”
“Sure Will Rogers, whatever you say.”
“Terrific, well my foliage is getting a bit funky.”
“Sounds like a personal problem to me.”
“What I mean to say is, I think I’m in need of pruning.”
“I think you’re in need of a CAT scan myself, but being as this is a modestly priced, gourmet food and bar and not a doctor’s office, the best I can offer you is a rib eye sandwich with crispy baked onions, roasted red peppers, le leyenda, and horseradish mayo on a french roll.”
“The Longfellow Legacy Sandwich?”
“That’s the one.”
“By Jonah you’re onto something! What does a sandwich do? Hold things together! And what needs holding together the most right now? Our human legacy in the face of planetary unrest! And who holds the key to our continued legacy? The children! The children of Longfellow Elementary School! They’ll know what to do about my hair!”
And before you could say, “You owe me still for that Sarsaparilla.” the ranger was out the door, running down the Atlantic Cooridor as fast as a mouse at Christmas! (Which is quite fast, for the record)
The Fastest Creature in the Land
And a mere forty five.8 seconds later, (not including a five minute gatorade break at the ampm) The Knolls Ranger crashed through the pastoral entrance to Longfellow Elementary at 3800 North Olive avenue and immediately set about addressing all the children he saw.
“Children, kid’s, young people. Lend me your ears!”
“Eeeeeww, I can’t take my ear off.” Said one little girl and clutched her hands to her face adorably.
“You’re silly.” Said a boy of six beaming and bouncing around.
“I guess that’s right.” The ranger warranted after some reflection, “You would be unable to part with this extremity.”
Everybody laughed.
“But you are the hope for the future, and it is your creative energy and foresight that I throw myself at the mercy of now! What, oh what, future world leaders, do human people do about their hairs!”
“You’re a weirdo!” A boy of five exclaimed, climbing onto a desk, pointing his finger towards the ranger, and grinning ecstatically.
“You smell like fish.” Chimed in another precocious tot.
This caused the whole lot of them to begin chanting, “Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish.” And jumping up and down.
Mistaking their fun frolics for oracular crypticness the ranger at once departed, heading for the fishiest North Long Beach shop he could think of, H. Salt Fish and Chips at 3545 Atlantic Avenue.
But no sooner had his gold boots touched down upon the hallowed grounds of H. Salt when the ranger heard the fry cook bragging about a settlement his cousin Tony’d just received, in the sum of 2,000 dollars.
“I tell ya, Maurice. Tony had it right, you want something in this world you gotta sue ta get it. It’s dog eat dog eat dog out there you know. Tony had it right.”
“Excuse me brave fish mongers! But a sue, what is this? Besides a popular ladie’s name in southern rural areas.”
“Aaaaw, kee-ripes it’s that hero kid again.”
“Might you by chance help me with my folicle frenzy?”
“Listen ranger, you want your usual hush puppy salad or what?”
“I would like to know the definition of a sue.”
“Kee-ripes Maurice would ya get a load of the ranger?! Alright kid listen, when something in this world don’t go your way often the only resource ya got left to ya is to sue and bleed the other guy dry. You find yourself a lawyer, and you sue.”
“Thank you ever so much dear friend. I will never forget this kindness you have bestowed upon me.” Proclaimed the Knolls Ranger clasping the fry man’s hand in a symbol of good will and rushing out the door.
Catching a bus to find a lawyer
“What the heck was that?” Maurice asked, mid bite into a vinegar soaked cod.
“Oh, he’s like some local mascot superhero thing.”
“Like Batman?”
“Well he ain’t got the batmobile and I never seen him fight no crime, but yeah, I guess, sorta like Batman.”
“Kee-ripes Murray, who’da thunk? Bixby Knolls gots it’s own Batman.”
“Yeah, that’s right. The Bixby Batman. Hey listen, you want fry’s with that fish?”
Meanwhile back on the ranger trail, our hero was reading up on lot’s of influential court cases at The Dana Neighborhood Library.
“Roe v. Wade, court rules in favor of Wade. Brown v. Board of Education, court rules in favor of Brown. King Kong v. Godzilla, court rules in favor of Mothra. Wow, that’s an ironic twist.”
Thus, sufficiently prepared, the ranger trekked over to the law offices of Larry H. Parker on 350 San Antonio Drive, determined to win a lawsuit in the case of The Knolls Ranger v. The Knolls Ranger’s Hair.
“Larry baby.” The ranger said as he sauntered into the door, attempting to walk the walk and talk the talk, “You gotta help me out. It wasn’t me man, I swear.”
“The Knolls Ranger, what a pleasant surprise,” said the celebrated personal injuries lawyer rising from his chair and shaking the hero’s gloved hand. “It was so nice to see you at Il Poggio at the last first friday.”
“Mmmm hmmm, mmm hmmm, I understand where you’re coming from Lar, but this isn’t just a rights to privacy issue, this is a human issue.” The ranger said, trying in vain to utilize the lawyer rhetoric he had just recently memorized.
Larry H. Parker scrunched up his brow, and his face frowned slightly. “I’m not sure that I follow you Mr. Ranger.”
“If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit.”
“Did you come to me seeking some sort of legal advice pertaining to a personal injury. Say, a dog bite, or a motorcycle accident?”
To this the Knolls Ranger collapsed into a chair, weary from his travels and sweating under the weight of his massive head growth.
“No Mr. Parker, it’s my hair. I’d like to take action against my hair. It grows too fast you see.”
“Ah, I see. Well I’m afraid that’s not entirely my area of expertise. As far as I’m aware no legal action can be taken against rampant hair, this is just something human mammals have to deal with. But there are always barber shops and hair salons. And it can be quite fun getting your hair sculpted in a new and interesting way. Personally I would advise you to visit Brenda Gutierrez right over here on 4144 Business Street, she’s been in the business for over 20 years and crops mops with a smile.”
To this The Knolls Ranger brightened visibly, sprung from the chair, embrace the people’s lawyer, and took off.
Well after all that trouble, a mere twenty minutes was all it took to weed the ranger’s head back to a presentable shape. True to the lawyer’s word Brenda delivered professional quality barber service with a huge smile. The locals in the shop were interested in the goings on of the world and discussed with the ranger at length everything from local policies to the ancient city of Petra.
Brenda, formerly a soldier in the US army, and a welder for the Long Beach naval shipyard, has been specializing in men’s hair for well over twenty years. She’s trimmed, shaved, and clipped in Hollydale and Gardena but has been practicing right here in Bixby Knolls (where she grew up) for the longest amount of time.
The service was excellent and I would highly recommend it to anyone with rampant follicles like myself. Brenda’s Hair Design for Men is located at 4144 Business Street in Bixby Knolls (between San Antonio Drive and Carson Street). Walk in or call ahead at (562) 997- 8700
